Depression has me in a choke hold.

Depression has me in a choke hold.

The last four years of my life had now been wasted…leaving me devastated

Feeling like she was the last woman on Earth

Hell yeah…I Loved her

Apparently I was not enough for her…yet too much of a burden on her

I should be “happy” to be single, but I’m not.

I can barely pull my head up long enough to get by.

I have been lonely, confused and depressed before, but I had support.

I had a mother then…

I had a grandmother then…

I realize that there is only one right person for everybody and we call that person our “soulmate”

I thought that I had found that person 5 years ago and had her in my life for 4 years.

As she stated “ I never had her” and I believe that because all I had was what she wanted to give me.

I had plenty of lies and secrets kept from me.

I had a woman who constantly would rather SLEEP than to spend any time with me!!!

I had perhaps the least physically interested in me woman that I ever had been with.

So what kept this dysfunctional mess of a relationship together?

My crazy attraction to her!!! Finding her to be physically perfect minus one man made flaw, beautiful, and someone that I wanted to need me and open her heart to me so bad, that I would deal with many psychotic bitch episodes.

I would keep hearing that things would CHANGE… so I would believe it over and over again

We had made it through so much…but when I look back at the most recent 2 years of the 4… I see breakups, separate lives, distance, homelessness, financial despair.

ANY of these would destroy a strong couple, yet WE had made it through all of them!!!

So, then, what destroyed the relationship?

“Me”…100% to blame according to her

She told me there was no word for goodbye in her language, but I guess “get the fuck out” works!!!

A Passage that Changed my Life

A Passage that changed my Life!!!

Every now and again a person may be reading something and say “ Is the person that wrote this speaking to ME… reading my mind? Did I write this?

Is there really such a thing as “random”?

Today my mind was blown as I “accidently” opened a book that I have no idea who the author was or what the book’s title is.

I found a book a few years back on the verge of compost…WHY I rescued it… I didn’t understand….until TODAY.

Here is the passage verbatim:

  “What was happening was wrong. It was sweeping him along with it, and if he was sensible it would go right on carrying him, farther and farther until he was remote from what he was, remote from where he was, where he had won to, one with rest, indistinguishable from that which he fled.

    And there was something to do. There must be something to do before it was too late. Because it must never be too late. Because life, what had been given to him and what had shaped him, could be detestable. Could be so detestable that there was no point continuing with it.

There was only one thing he really wanted to do. There was only one life he wanted to live.

And there had to be a way. There had to.

And there had to be an answer. An answer to everything that was going on around him, something that would jibe, that would make sense, that would prove that what he was seeing wasn’t true at all, that it hadn’t happened, even.

Yes, that was a way of thinking about it. But was it true?

Because now he had to know.

Now there wasn’t  any going on any longer. Not this way.”

I will plan on sharing this with the world.

It really shed some light on a dark area of my life that I had been struggling through lately.

What I may never understand is how these words came to me at this exact moment… as I had been ready to give up.