Sunday, June 24, 2012

Depression has me in a choke hold.


Depression has me in a choke hold.
The last four years of my life had now been wasted…leaving me devastated
Feeling like she was the last woman on Earth
Hell yeah…I Loved her
Apparently I was not enough for her…yet too much of a burden on her
I should be “happy” to be single, but I’m not.
I can barely pull my head up long enough to get by.
I have been lonely, confused and depressed before, but I had support.
I had a mother then…
I had a grandmother then…
I realize that there is only one right person for everybody and we call that person our “soulmate”
I thought that I had found that person 5 years ago and had her in my life for 4 years.
As she stated “ I never had her” and I believe that because all I had was what she wanted to give me.
I had plenty of lies and secrets kept from me.
I had a woman who constantly would rather SLEEP than to spend any time with me!!!
I had perhaps the least physically interested in me woman that I ever had been with.
So what kept this dysfunctional mess of a relationship together?
My crazy attraction to her!!! Finding her to be physically perfect minus one man made flaw, beautiful, and someone that I wanted to need me and open her heart to me so bad, that I would deal with many psychotic bitch episodes.
I would keep hearing that things would CHANGE… so I would believe it over and over again
We had made it through so much…but when I look back at the most recent 2 years of the 4… I see breakups, separate lives, distance, homelessness, financial despair.
ANY of these would destroy a strong couple, yet WE had made it through all of them!!!
So, then, what destroyed the relationship?
“Me”…100% to blame according to her
She told me there was no word for goodbye in her language, but I guess “get the fuck out” works!!!

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