Today Would Be a Great Day For Suicide

Today would be a great day for suicide.
My heart, soul, and body have all but died.
I pined for her for far too long...
Only to have  her tell me that I don't belong.
One woman has completely destroyed me...
How could I be so blind to not see
That she obviously didn't want to be with me anymore...
That now she is living like a junkie and a whore.
Today she puts it in my face..
like she did when she kicked me out of her place.

Move the fuck on she texts...
She wants to be over me so bad...
All she could show me was being mad.
Yes, today would be a great day for suicide...
Numb on the outside
Mainly dead on the inside.

A big part of me has died...
yet she lives
and I deal with the pain deep inside!!!

I wanted the rest of my life to be by her side
Yet, today appears to be a great day for suicide.

What could I have done NOT to have lost her?
Was I really saving her from herself?
Was she saving me from me?

Every day I awake and realize that she is not with me anymore,
How do I go on, "What's this life for?"

They say that there is someone for everyone...
they call that person our "soul mate"

Shauneah Joanne Claremboux,
I really thought that you were that "one" for me.

Now you are on a great high
while inside day by day
hour by hour
I slowly die!!!

I wanted to spend the rest of my my days by YOUR side,
Yet, today appears to be a great day for suicide.

You saw me one last time...
I asked you if it was "Goodbye"
You told me "NO!"
Then days later you texted me
"We aren't together anymore"

You broke my heart
making sure that you and I were apart
You "erased" me like I never was in your life,
Yet I wanted you to be my wife!!!

Today, you made me realize that
It would be a great day for suicide.

Either way, live or die
YOU are gone from my life

Depression has me in a choke hold.

Depression has me in a choke hold.

The last four years of my life had now been wasted…leaving me devastated

Feeling like she was the last woman on Earth

Hell yeah…I Loved her

Apparently I was not enough for her…yet too much of a burden on her

I should be “happy” to be single, but I’m not.

I can barely pull my head up long enough to get by.

I have been lonely, confused and depressed before, but I had support.

I had a mother then…

I had a grandmother then…

I realize that there is only one right person for everybody and we call that person our “soulmate”

I thought that I had found that person 5 years ago and had her in my life for 4 years.

As she stated “ I never had her” and I believe that because all I had was what she wanted to give me.

I had plenty of lies and secrets kept from me.

I had a woman who constantly would rather SLEEP than to spend any time with me!!!

I had perhaps the least physically interested in me woman that I ever had been with.

So what kept this dysfunctional mess of a relationship together?

My crazy attraction to her!!! Finding her to be physically perfect minus one man made flaw, beautiful, and someone that I wanted to need me and open her heart to me so bad, that I would deal with many psychotic bitch episodes.

I would keep hearing that things would CHANGE… so I would believe it over and over again

We had made it through so much…but when I look back at the most recent 2 years of the 4… I see breakups, separate lives, distance, homelessness, financial despair.

ANY of these would destroy a strong couple, yet WE had made it through all of them!!!

So, then, what destroyed the relationship?

“Me”…100% to blame according to her

She told me there was no word for goodbye in her language, but I guess “get the fuck out” works!!!

A Passage that Changed my Life

A Passage that changed my Life!!!

Every now and again a person may be reading something and say “ Is the person that wrote this speaking to ME… reading my mind? Did I write this?

Is there really such a thing as “random”?

Today my mind was blown as I “accidently” opened a book that I have no idea who the author was or what the book’s title is.

I found a book a few years back on the verge of compost…WHY I rescued it… I didn’t understand….until TODAY.

Here is the passage verbatim:

  “What was happening was wrong. It was sweeping him along with it, and if he was sensible it would go right on carrying him, farther and farther until he was remote from what he was, remote from where he was, where he had won to, one with rest, indistinguishable from that which he fled.

    And there was something to do. There must be something to do before it was too late. Because it must never be too late. Because life, what had been given to him and what had shaped him, could be detestable. Could be so detestable that there was no point continuing with it.

There was only one thing he really wanted to do. There was only one life he wanted to live.

And there had to be a way. There had to.

And there had to be an answer. An answer to everything that was going on around him, something that would jibe, that would make sense, that would prove that what he was seeing wasn’t true at all, that it hadn’t happened, even.

Yes, that was a way of thinking about it. But was it true?

Because now he had to know.

Now there wasn’t  any going on any longer. Not this way.”

I will plan on sharing this with the world.

It really shed some light on a dark area of my life that I had been struggling through lately.

What I may never understand is how these words came to me at this exact moment… as I had been ready to give up.

2012 Top 5 New Year Improvements

OK, I know that it has been tradition to think about some things that you would like to change every Dec. 31st and call them "New Years Resolutions"

My #2 Losing weight is cliche`, but it is vital for me to do. I have tried "unsuccessfully" for over a year. I have hypothyroidism and sleep apnea..which I feel have been making it harder than normal to lose weight considering that i have decreased my food consumption and increased my exercise!!!
But here is the list:

#1) A Relationship that is REAL (as in honest, loving, and growing)

#2) Lose weight

#3) Be less "needy" or dependent on people

#4) Make some REAL friends

#5) Find a healthy, hobby that makes me happy

I will go into details of my trials and tribulations of how it works out... but I plan to put a serious effort into all five of them!!!

So, a person may wonder HOW I arrived at my list of five?
I also notice that three of the five are non tangible and actually seem to be somewhat interconnected.

Well when I looked back at 2011, I honestly found it to be an "Epic Fail".( There's a website with the same name if you care or dare to research) With that in mind...as of yesterday December 31,2011 I said to myself...man this shit has got to change!!!! I realize that I (me) myself and ME are the only ones that can change it.

Thus, I decided to figure out the five things that are bugging me the most and not just make a simple New Year's resolution about them, but to make a 35+ year revolution and IF it takes me 35 years to accomplish, it will be well worth it!!!

Now I figure that the five things that I have chose to improve are in the order of importance( funny how things can work out) and probably should be approached from the top down. (1-5)

It has become painstakingly obvious to me that my personal relationship is in dire need of improvements. I will spare the humiliation of details, but as my late grandma has stated, it's truly time to "shit or get off of the pot". let's just paraphrase the problems best by saying that it had the "Groundhog Day"( as in the Bill Murray movie) effect. Every fucking day was the same.....although at the end it seemed to be mirrored but worse.

Now, I do know that it takes two to tangle... it also takes two to make a thing go right....la de da

The reason that I etched that in stone is that I'm not 16 anymore...26 flew buy and 36 is just around the corner.

So,poetically that leads me into item #2 the weight loss! It is a pretty open and shut case. Lose weight or DIE!!! With heart disease already creeping up on me, throwing away the cigarettes was a good idea, but not nearly enough. A person would think that drinking more water, getting off of my fat ass and walking, eating less and better choices of food( goodbye high fructose corn syrup(...well at least the 50% I can avoid) would do something, right? WRONG!!!!! I still have a sneaking suspicion that the generic levothyroxine isn't jiving with MY system, but how can I "prove" it? Hmmmm... maybe as I go on to my third dose increase and continue to gain weight???? I just started my third dose increase tonight BTW! I swear IF I gain more weight I need to change my medicine. I bought a pedometer and although it has been icy as hell out, I am still committed to doing as much as I possibly can. But it is NOT easy!!! I am in the process of  finding out if i have any heart related issues. You see, in order to lose weight and feel good, you have to feel good enough to do it. When your heart beats out of your chest and you have a hard time breathing... it's just not going to happen. instead of sitting around and letting it get me, I try to kick my own ass and thanks to a VERY motivating partner( my lab mix Mack) I have to get up and do something everyday.

Moving on...being less "needy"...well I probably will write many more blogs about that in days to come, for now I will sum it up by saying less dependence on others means less disappointment and it directly relates to a BIG problem in personal relationships. they can't hurt you unless you NEED them, eh? ( Think about that??)

Next comes the polar opposite being to "make" more friends....but like #1 the catch is that they have to be REAL (in life friends) that you can see and have face to face conversations with. Normally that comes with geography, and through my wanderings I have made many instant aquaintances, but few true friends.
I mean, take for instance the facebook thing. I have 174 "friends", but how many people really meet the criteria? It was more or less a way to just connect to people from various time frames of your life, mostly being old alumni, but now a days it's how some families keep in touch. Ironically the two people that have put into my head what a friend is and a friend should be don't really regard me as a friend, because just like the big relationship I refer to I find that any true friendship has to me mutually reciprocal. So, while tomorrow I could go and make 20 new "friends", the real goal is to make the kind of friends that are like blood to you.
One last note: I quickly realize that family isn't always going to be your friend. Friendship is quite a complex process when you stop to think about it , but aquaintances are quite simple.

Finally to find a healthy, hobby that makes me happy, originally I had written this in as "Find a positive hobby to take up "downtime"", but i quickly realized I wasn't just talking about time when i had nothing to do, but times when I feel like doing nothing or when I feel extremely depressed. I cannot lie and say that blogging will be that. For me writing is direct expression from the soul and is really quite "heavy" and serious. It also can be stressful( which is not what I need). had the list continued...items 6-10 would have been:
6) Reduce stress
7) Don't let stress "get to you"
8) Fight back at stress
9) Find something that relieves stess
10) Kill stress before it kills you
So to find something that is good for me and makes me happy may be a challenge,but for now I will start simple with plowing snow and enjoying time with my dog. Now I realize from the past experiences that everything can turn quickly into a s.n.a.f.u., but you got to start somewhere....
Here's to the first day of best of my life...