A painful journey

They say suicide is painless
Perhaps one day I'll find out.
Anything must feel better
Than all this God damned Pain
Yet I'm chicken shit
Afraid
Afraid of death
Afraid to live
So distraught inside
Always on the hair trigger of suicide
But aren't we all slowly dying
Shouldn't we be instead slowly living
Life is too fucking short
So why would I want to trim it
Lonlieness is a whole new pain
Just like most internal pains are
You don't see it through my fake smile
You don't even see it in my tears
Had it not for my fears
I would be dead long ago
But somehow I want to live
I do it all for one thing
An invisible force
I'm not even sure exists anymore
I do it for the hope of love
I do it for a soul mate
I do it for an animal they say has no soul
I don't live for me
I live in hopes of YOU
That makes me irrepressible
Damaged beyond on my own good
You all turn your backs to me
Leave me down
Well remember if I rise out of THIS
I won't know WHO you are either
They say suicide is selfish
Yet loving only yourself isn't?
Hypocrites everywhere
Do this don't do that
Good advice
Why because it works for you?
Guess what I'm me
Nothing works
Nothing here to see
I'd be home already
If I knew exactly where home would be.